


First Kiss

by CarpeDiemIGuess



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Don't Judge Me, First Kiss, Gay Panic, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Jean Moreau - Freeform, Jeremy Knox - Freeform, Laila and Alvarez only mentioned, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, USC Trojans (All For The Game), jerejean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:47:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22639480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDiemIGuess/pseuds/CarpeDiemIGuess
Summary: I tried to think of a better title, but I really didn't have one. Please forgive meBasically the Trojans have a pool party and Jean is nervous for his teammates to see his scars, especially Jeremy. Who notices something is off and then they talk about their feeling and then you know ;)Apparently I'm also bad at summaries, so I gave up. This is my first fic so uh enjoy.
Relationships: Jeremy Knox/Jean Moreau
Comments: 10
Kudos: 98
Collections: All for the Game Fics





	First Kiss

Jean Moreau sat on the couch in Jeremy’s living room listening to the sounds of his teammates talking and laughing outside of the patio screen door. Technically it was Jeremy’s mother’s living room, but nonetheless it was apparently tradition that the Trojans held a spring break pool party here every year. As far as Jean could tell, said pool party had so far included way too many people crowded around the backyard patio and pool deck and music playing at a volume that was much louder than strictly necessary. Which was precisely why Jean was currently hiding in the living room, staring blankly at the wall opposite him and trying not to think too hard about why he didn’t want to go outside. 

Despite the many months since he had transferred to USC he had avoided any situation that would call for him change in front of his teammates. A difficult pursuit to be sure, but he had so far managed. Not even Jeremy had seen him in less than a t-shirt and shorts. Most of his scars remained contained to his chest, back and upper arms - Riko had been a psychopath, but the Ravens had a prestigious image to uphold in the exy world. And it wouldn’t do to have rumors of their violent hazing rituals circulating around. Not that it mattered now, as it seemed that was all Jean got asked questions about anymore when forced into press duty after games.

Movement in the doorway of the room distracted Jean from his thoughts, and he turned his head to see Jeremy standing there. Sunkissed and perfect as always. 

“Hey,” he said “you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Jean replied, fighting to keep the venom out of his tone. When he thought about Evermore it was sometimes hard to remember that he was safe now, that Jeremy, while still his captain, was nothing like Riko. And never would be. Apparently Jean’s clipped I’m fine had done little to assure Jeremy of the fact, given that he had found him sulking in an empty room alone. So he added on, “Just a little crowded out there for my liking.”

Jeremy nodded and moved over to sit beside him on the couch. “Yeah, sorry. I did try to warn you that there would be a lot of people.”

Jean snorted derisively but said nothing. And there was Jeremy, staring again. He did it all the time. With a slight furrow between his brows as if he was trying to figure Jean out. And Jean didn’t know why, but it drove him crazy.

He turned on the couch to meet his gaze and Jeremy offered one of his best reassuring smiles. Jean looked past him, fixing his eyes on a spot just behind his head so that Jeremy hopefully wouldn’t notice his nerves. But of course, he did. “You want to tell me what’s really going on?’

Jean frowned, “You know I don’t like parties.”

“No,” Jeremy agreed, “but you like me.”

Jean raised his eyebrow and scoffed, pressing his lips into a tight line and deciding it might be best not to reply. 

“And right now,” Jeremy continued. “You seem to be doing your best job at making eye contact with the potted plant behind me and hoping that I don’t notice.” Jean tore his eyes away from the plant that Jeremy had correctly guessed he was staring at and tried to resist the blush rising in his cheeks as he met the other man’s eyes. “So, once again, do you want to tell me what’s really going on?”

What’s really going on? The words bounced around in his head like a time bomb. What’s really going on was that it had been almost 10 months since Renee pulled him out of Evermore and he still went back there in his dreams every night. That some days he barely felt like he was holding it together. That classes and parties and movie nights with these strangers who were unwittingly becoming his friends were still only distractions, because he might have a different master now but he still belonged to somebody. What’s really going on was that he hated himself for caring about Jeremy and Laila and Alvarez and everyone else who had dared to put a crack in the walls he built up around himself. He hated it because being close to him meant they could get hurt, or even worse. What’s really going on was that his secrets and his past were eating him up inside every minute of every day but he couldn’t tell them because what if he said too much? If they saw his scars they would know that he wasn’t telling them everything. What if he put them in danger? What if they realized exactly who he was and how broken he was inside? Would they hate him the way he hated himself when he saw the #3 on his face in the mirror or woke up screaming in the night and needed Jeremy beside him to calm him down? Such weakness should not be tolerated. Would not be tolerated if he was going to go pro and survive this. Did he even want to survive this?

Jean didn’t know when he had put his head between his knees, shielding it with his hands, but he knew from the sound of his breathing as it came out in ragged gasps that it had probably been several minutes since he had lost control and disappeared into his own thoughts.

“Jean? Just breathe okay.” Jeremy’s voice sounded far away, but Jean tried to do what he asked. “Jean. I’m going to put my hands on your arms, okay?” He didn’t trust himself to answer, but was glad that Jeremy took his lack of response as a yes. Jeremy put his hands on Jean’s wrists, uncurling them from their protective stance around his head and attempting to turn Jean towards him. Jean kept his head down but shifted his body Jeremy’s way.

“Try to match your breathing to mine.” Jeremy said, taking deliberately slow breaths. He tried. And eventually managed to get his breathing a bit more under control. Jeremy’s grip on his wrists was grounding. If not terrifying as well since it showed how much Jean had grown to lean on him in these moments.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

Jeremy cut him off, “you don’t need to apologize for anything. We knew what we were getting into when we signed you.”

Jean shook his head, if only that were true. But still, he thought of Jeremy’s steady hands and unwavering patience and near constant smiles. He thought of the way that he respected his boundaries and never pushed when Jean wasn’t ready to talk about something. Maybe he could trust him with this small bit of truth. 

Jean finally looked up, meeting Jeremy’s eyes “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before today, that I would have to take my shirt off at a pool party. That you would see” he gestured vaguely at himself for lack of a better explanation.

“What?” Jeremy asked, trying to joke them back into a more comfortable dynamic “You got an embarrassing tattoo under there or something?”

Jean fought a smile, glad for the way Jeremy always seemed to know exactly how to distract him in these moments. “Not exactly. It’s probably better if I just show you, but it’s not pretty.”

Jeremy stilled as Jean moved to get up from the couch and take off his shirt. He gasped involuntarily as he beheld that horror that was Jean’s skin. Jean knew what it looked like, he saw them in the mirror every day. Scars that stretched every which way across his stomach and shoulders, he knew the ones on his back were worse. At least it had felt that way being done to him. With all the years he’d spent as the outlet for Riko’s rage, Jean didn’t think he could count how many he had if he tried.

Jeremy stood, for once speechless. It was Jean’s turn to try and lighten the mood “This is a first,” he said “cat got your tongue?” Please say something, he thought desperately.

Jeremy took a step closer so that they stood, face to face, an arm's length away. Jean’s arms hung at his sides, hands clenched into loose fists. He reached his hand out towards Jean’s side, “Can I?” he asked in a voice so quiet Jean almost couldn’t hear him. He nodded. 

Jeremy laid his hand on a rather nasty scar sitting just under Jean’s ribs, running his fingers over his skin so gently. And Jean’s entire body went tense, he clenched his hands into tighter fists at his sides. He wasn’t sure he was breathing anymore. Jeremy removed his hand immediately.

“It’s okay,” Jean gasped out, “I don’t mind when you-” Whatever the rest of his sentence had been it caught in his throat as Jeremy put his hand back against his skin. He definitely wasn’t breathing now. This. This was a feeling he’d known so often since meeting Jeremy, and one that he’d never quite put to words. 

He was terrified. But not like waking up not knowing where you are kind of terrified. Like a heat in your cheeks and heart in your throat not knowing what is going to happen next, but knowing that you want something to kind of terrified. It was the feeling that he got when he finished practice every night after waiting until everyone had left the locker room to shower, when he walked outside to find Jeremy smiling at him from where he leaned against the hood of his truck. Waiting and asking if he was ready to go home. The feeling that accompanied Jeremy’s gentle reassuring touches and the way he sometimes winked at Jean after he’d had a few drinks at parties. This feeling was dangerous he thought. I could drown in this, in you. 

From the way Jeremy was looking at him Jean figured he’d been staring for too long. Jeremy was closer now, they were practically sharing the same air and his hand was still on Jean’s stomach in between them. Say something Jean thought, anything is fine just say something. Jeremy looked up at him, brow furrowed slightly and licked his bottom lip, flicking his gaze from Jean’s eyes to his mouth. Oh, Jean thought. The look that Jeremy was giving him threatened to undo any last shred of the walls Jean so often threw up until there was nothing between them.

“I-” Jean started to say. But was cut off when Jeremy leaned forwards pressing his lips into Jean’s. And Jean froze. The feeling that had been steadily building in his chest reaching a climax of full blown terror. Jeremy was kissing him and it was like something he never knew he wanted or needed but somehow it felt exactly like home. And it was everything. Jean so wanted to sink into Jeremy’s mouth and lose himself in the best of ways in this feeling. But as he felt Jeremy’s hand gripping the back of his neck he was suddenly reminded of other less welcome hands pushing his head down into the ground, their bodies an unrelenting force above him, his own hands bound so that he could not push them away.

Jean realized that Jeremy’s hands were no longer on him. His mouth was no longer on him. Jeremy was saying something, he was moving away. “Wait!” Jean cried out grabbing Jeremy’s arms to stop him from getting any further. “Just, just give me a minute okay?” He leaned forwards resting his head on Jeremy’s shoulder. He breathed in the scent of his skin and tried to collect his thoughts. Jeremy held his hands loosely around Jean’s arms as if he wasn’t quite sure whether he was allowed to hold on or not.

Jean didn’t know if he could say what he needed to say if he was looking into Jeremy’s eyes so he kept his face buried in his neck and began to speak. “No one’s ever kissed me before. I’ve never had something like this, like the way that I feel when I’m around you. And I like it, you. A lot. I just, I don’t know what your expectations are. I know you’re more experienced than me. I’ve never had a choice before when it came to this kind of stuff, I’ve never wanted to. But I do want it, with you I think. I just need things to be slow.”

“What do you mean you never had a choice?” Jeremy asked, a dangerous edge coming into his voice. 

“Riko always wanted to find new ways that he could hurt me. When we got older he would bring other Ravens into my room at night. They’d tie me up and he would watch. It happened 6 times. The last time I stopped fighting it and that wasn’t entertaining anymore so it didn’t happen again.”

It was Jeremy’s turn to go still. His hands clenched tightly where they rested on Jean’s forearms and he let out a shaky breath, “I would never force you to do anything you didn’t want to do.”

Jean lifted his head, needing to look Jeremy in the eyes when he said it. “I know you wouldn’t. It’s just hard to remember that when I get in my head sometimes. I panicked for a second.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not.”

“I know,” Jean agreed. “But I’ll be okay, eventually I think.”

Jeremy sighed, leaning forwards and resting his forehead against Jean’s. They stood quietly for some time, drinking in each other’s presence. Jeremy rubbed his thumbs absentmindedly back and forth against Jean’s forearms. 

“Jer?” Jean asked quietly, continuing when Jeremy hummed in response. “Will you kiss me again? Please.”

Jeremy let go of Jean’s arms and for a second he thought he had done something wrong. Until he placed his hands on either side of Jean’s face, holding him gently as though he might break or run away or disappear back into his own head again. “Is this okay?” he asked.

Jean nodded as Jeremy closed the space between them. When their lips met Jean couldn’t help the way he sighed into Jeremy’s mouth. They kissed slowly, nurturing this new and fragile thing that was blossoming between them. Jean moved his hands up to slide along Jeremy’s ribs, and didn’t miss the way Jeremy moaned slightly into his mouth when he moved his fingers across the bare skin at his waistline where his shirt had ridden up slightly. He laid his hands to rest on Jeremy’s hips pulling him a bit closer.

Jeremy ran his hands down Jean’s arms, sliding one of them across his abdomen and around to the small of his back. “Here okay?” He asked, not taking his lips off of Jean’s. Jean made a sound into Jeremy's mouth that might have meant yes and might have meant more. He felt the heaviness in his chest begin to pool steadily in his stomach at the way that Jeremy smiled against his lips. All Jeremy could think was that if kissing was supposed to feel like this then he had been doing something wrong up until now, because wow. He licked at Jean’s bottom lip, taking the opportunity to deepen the kiss and slide his tongue into his mouth at the moan it elicited from him. 

Jean felt like he could kiss Jeremy forever. Like nothing could ever compare to this feeling, this closeness. How had he lived without it? Jeremy’s careful hands on his skin felt like a thousand promises he knew he would keep. His mouth felt like learning how to breathe underwater and realizing it was so much better than breathing air. Being close to him felt like broken pieces of himself picking themselves up off the floor to draw nearer to his presence. 

At long last their lips broke apart and they shared a few close breaths before Jeremy let his head fall into the side of Jean’s neck, slinging an arm around his shoulders as he leaned into him. “Fuck.” he breathed out into his skin. 

Jean shivered at the one word omission, proof that he felt it too. The electricity that blazed between them, the gravity that pulled them together. Jean pressed a kiss to the tanned skin of Jeremy’s shoulder and looped his arms around his waist. Maybe things were going to turn out at least a bit better than he’d hoped. Jeremy pulled away and Jean’s body ached at the loss of contact. 

“So,” he said at last, regarding Jean with a thousand watt smile. “Are you ready to go out there? Or do you want to go find something else to do?”

Jean thought he might be a little bit high off the feeling of kissing Jeremy, he probably shouldn’t be trusted to make any decisions right now. “I don’t want them to be scared of me.” He admitted.

Jeremy’s gaze softened, “they won’t be. And I can’t imagine they’ll ask questions if you’re not ready to talk about it. Despite your best efforts to keep us out, you’re a part of this team Jean. And that means you’re family.”

Family, Jean thought, he chewed on the word not trusting himself to speak. “We could give them something else to talk about.” Jeremy suggested.

“Like what?”

In response Jeremy held out his hand. Jean rolled his eyes. “You’re serious?” Jeremy nodded. “And what exactly are you proposing?”

“Be my boyfriend? Or is that too fast?”

Jean’s breath caught in his throat. In all his times of imagining what would happen after coming to USC, this had never crossed his mind. Still, looking at Jeremy’s shy, sincere smile and outstretched hand he wanted to take it. “I think Alvarez would argue that it’s been a long time coming.” 

Jeremy laughed. “You’re probably right.”

Jean reached out and took Jeremy’s hand, interlocking their fingers carefully so he could memorize exactly how they fit together. He knew that Jeremy would always be a safe place for him to land. And couldn’t help but think that maybe after everything else he deserved this one good thing. 

If anything, it was worth it to see his teammates faces when they walked out into the backyard hand in hand. Jeremy sporting a rumpled shirt that he hadn’t bothered to pull back down properly and both of them with hair they hadn’t smoothed back into place either. Jeremy laughed and Jean thought, as he did every time, that it might be the most beautiful thing he’d ever heard. Maybe everything would turn out alright eventually, and with help from his new family, maybe Jean would be okay. For now all he could do was hope.


End file.
